Thursday, September 07, 2006
"i think you're hot.lets have sex."
"you're a raving mad desperate lunatic.leave me alone!"
Her hand hovered above the 'block' button, her heart still beating at an abnormally quick rate. But he replied before she could.
"don't worry sweetheart. i'll find you. i'll find you and rape you. don't you worry."
with that psychotic remark, he signed off.
Rape.Why was it that that darn word wouldn't stop disassociating itself with her? Why was it that that darn word couldn't leave her alone? It stared back at her from the computer screen, taunting her, mocking her, in all the glory of its red font. It seemed to dance a strange dance of its own, a victory dance. It was so glaring, as glaring as the Sun itself to the naked eye. Finally, she managed to pry her eyes away from that cursed word that seemed to have an innate ability to stir fear in her almost automatically.
She felt her breath catch in her throat, along with a frightening sensation at the pit of her stomach. Her hands grew cold and clammy to the touch, and goosepimples started forming on her arms and legs. Even in the safety and comfort of her own home, she felt so dangerously exposed. She felt so unsafe, so insecure, so unsure, a fear that gripped her heart in a way she had once experienced before. Immediately, she reprimanded herself for being paranoid. But it was too late. A flash of that incident zipped past her mind, disappearing as quick as it came.Just as a ghost would hover past the window, terrorising its victims. The speed of that flash was merciful yet cruel at the same time. Merciful as it spared her from all the intricate details of his immoral deed; yet cruel,fast as it was, it was as though a white searing burn in her memory, branding itself in her mind, evoking all the raw emotions and hurt that was so painful and difficult to bear. She tried to resist, as she had for so long. But the memories, the insults, she couldn't let go nor forget. It stayed with her, as like a scar too unsightly for her to seek treatment. That incident had held her captive so for long, and she doubted it was ever setting her free. Slowly but surely, she felt herself cave in. It was as though a giant vaccuum machine was sucking her, but she was holding on for dear life, resisting. Yet little by little, she felt herself crumble under the sheer pressure. Drop by drop, bit by bit, she seeped into the vaccuum. That blasted vaccuum machine was her memory of that terrible incident that she had tucked deep deep down, behind at the back of her memory.But now, she was reliving every bit of it, allowing herself to get absorbed into that horrifying process.
"Watching TV ah?" uncle Will had asked unecessarily, punctuating his question with a sharp intake of breath.She had been slouching lifelessly on and couch, and she nodded listlessly. She had been eleven years of age at that time, young and ignorant. She had been ignorant and daft enough not to sport a brassiere when a man came to visit when she was home alone. She had been a little on the pudgy side at that time, somewhat leading to increased growth around to bust region at such a young age. Granted she hadn't had a bra on, she didn't deserve what followed after. She totally wasn't prepared for that lecherous look aimed towards her from him. She felt as though those were daggers, piercing through her, one by one, each one sending a ripple of fear down her spine. But he was her uncle, he was her mother's own younger brother. He was the uncle that watched her grow up. He was the uncle that bought her icecream every time she went for a sleepover at his place to play with his son. He was the uncle that defended her when her own mother scolded her in his presence no matter what. He was the uncle that teased her and joked with her endlessly. He was her favourite uncle, and she loved him. Yet the man who just shot her a look of unadulterated lust, he wasn't her uncle. She was terrified of him. But she told herself that she was being paranoid, over-sensitive. "Who could possibly want anything to do with a fat girl like me?" she thought to herself. She repeated it in her head over and over again, just like a chant, as means for calming herself down. She remained rooted to her seat,, her eyes never wavering from the television screen. Every step he took thereafter towards her made her tense up more and more, sedning a wave of intense electricity through every standing hair on her back. He gently placed his paws upon her shoulders, sending an involuntarily shiver down her spine."Aiyo, why so tense Tara? Let me give you a shoulder rub ok? Must be the terrible education system, wearing my darling niece out. Now you just relax ok? Poor darling." he cooed, leaving a false note of cheerful hanging in the air, like an odour that refused to dissipate. In her head, she chanted over and over again that she was being stupid, and she did nothing. She ignored that sickening feeling in her gut, ignored that insane streak of fear that made her heart beat double-time, ignored all warning from her heart. She kept silent, obedient.But the massage went wrong, horrifyingly wrong.His filthy paws inched lower and lower, every movement making her blood freeze up more. His hands caressed her bosom, unprotected by any cloth whatsoever. His hands fondled and stroked her in a manner so obscene and vile, unimaginable. Yet she felt stuck, claustrophobic, so utterly helpless. His breath now came in short burst, laced with curiosity and anticipation. But she still remained rooted to her seat, unable to protect herself. She couldn't move her body. It was as if she was suddenly trapped in an alternate world, in a world that made her lose control over her body, in a world that crippled her with fear, a world that bound and paralysed her with her own insecurities. She wanted to scream and run away, but they got lost and muffled somewhere deep within her. At that point of time, she had never felt more powerless, more forsaken before.Finally, after what seemed like infinity, it was as though he suddenly snapped out of his trance. He let out a sort of strangled gasp and quickly retracted his hands from underneath He lumbered out of her room and ran into the toilet. In that five minutes or so that he was away from her sight, she had never felt such an consuming mixture of feelings before. She felt so violated, so stricken, so horrified, so terrorised, yet at the same time, a sort of relief that it was over. She felt so scared, so confused. She was still frozen in her seat when he returnend to the door of her bedroom, in his hand holding the purpose of his coming."Tara, please pass all these documents to your mum ok? They are important."She was still staring at the TV screen, that lifeless black box that remained switched on throughout the whole course of his crime. He strutted over, not at all apprehensive, and plopped himself down beside her.
"Darling, let what happened toda be a secret between us ok? cannot tell anybody, especially not Mummy ok? Be a good girl now. Now fetch me a glass of water and I have to rush. Go now."She staggered out of the room, almost losing her balance. She was completely speechless by what he said, but all she wanted now was for him to get away from her. She ran to the kitchen and poured him a glass of water. He downed it in gulps and kept his word. After a prompt pat on the head, he left, bringing away with him the bond they ever shared with each other. She leaned against the door, and felt her knees finally buckling beneath her. She stared stonily before her, tears pooling in her eyes. And she cried, cried for her her own incapibilities at defending herself, and cried at her own stupidity, and cried because she had never felt so abandoned and vulnerable in her life.The next time she saw her uncle, he acted as though nothing had happened at all. But she could never. He wasn't uncle to her anymore. He was a fiflthy creature, completelyun beknownst to her. Mother had chided her several times about her rude attitude to uncle, but she would only turn away. She could only turn away.Even till now, she couldn't bring herself to narrate that day's happenings to her own Mum. She knew how much her mother loved her brother. And she simply couldn't pluck up the courage to tell her. She couldn't bear the thought of her Mother disbelieving her, or defending her brother. She had been betrayed by a lovoed one already, she couldn't face it if she knew her Mother loved her less than her brother. She simply couldn't. So that incident has been kept between her and her uncle, as her uncle liked it to be. And the memory haunts her, even up till this day.Now, staring at the computer screen, it was happening again. This online stranger had known her name, her age, her school, her friends' names, and details about her that could only be known to anybody after careful observation. Once again, she felt a familiar feeling of fear and panic wrench her heart. She screamed.
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very sad huh? jus some random article i extracted from a magazine.the intensity of this article really lik, drew me to it. lik, i really really pity gals lik these. and she is jus one of them.
ladies.please.if anything lik this ever happened/happens to you,please please speak up.you have every right in the world.dun be lik Tara and gong-gong sit there.alright?and be smart.keep yourself safe!dun ever do anything against your own will,its your own body,take charge of it.even if he's your boyfren, but you feel lik yo aren't ready,dun rush it.your virinity is something to be protected,to be respected. ok? even in this screwed up time and age, your virginity isn't sth outdated or whatever the world leads you to believe.it's something that once lost can nv be retrieved ever again.it can be likened to death.and im not being a fuddyduddy.i jus hope that you gals can wake up and know what belongs to you,know your rights.
ure,if you've got it,flaunt it.but know when to flaunt,when not to.know when to protect,know HOW to protect yourself.
guys.erm.hmm.i have no comments.almost.
hehheh.aiya.i trust that you guys know right from wrong.
don't push your gals if she's not ready.it will be sth that you BOTH wouls regret.alright?protect the gals around you as like your sisters.you never know sometimes.
BE A MAN.DO THE RIGHT THING!ok fine.old joke.
but really.sometimes when guys take up the job of protectin the gals,esp lik my brother.or lik the guys during mission trip, when they protect the gals.i jus feel that its pretty heartwarming.lik seeing the guys lik make sure the gals are safe,make sure they've got the food first,make sure they're ok.yea.that kinda thing.very sweet.even boys younger than me who feel lik they can protect me.(heh.samuel tang!)very cute.=)
anyway.thats all for now.damn long post huh.haha.
toodles dearies.
yeni posted at 12:39 PM â¢
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