a funny fetish.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

do you have someone to..

hold your hand or give it alil squeeze whenever you need to feel his warmth..?

hug you everytime you feel cold or insecure..?

give you your favourite flowers whenever you needed some without needing to drop a hint..?

treat you to icecream whenever you're feeling stressed out or depressed..?

make you feel like you're flying without wings..?

help you bash up the people making life difficult for you..?

well,they sure look like they have.lucky lil sweethearts.=)

yeni posted at 2:51 AM â¢ comment?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

AHHH.
myeh.
I NEEDA HUG!!
i swear,all these 3-4am nights are drving me to the brink of INSANITY.
these days, i feel like doing every single thing in the world EXCEPT to study.
"6days to EOYs!" i constantly scream at myself."6 damn days!"
man.
FREEDOM BECKONS.
hell it sure does.

yeni posted at 5:50 PM â¢ comment?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

feeling alil funny on the insides.to take my mind off things to to induce sleepiness..

3 schools i went to:
PAP kindergarten, CHIJ Katong Convent and Methodist Girls' School.

3 things in my handbag:
Handphone,wallet and tissues/plasters?haha.for the blisters.anna's.hahaha!

3 things i do when im stressed: dance.seriously.to anything dance-able to on the radio at the moment.sleep.and talk,to someone who can put up with my incessant whining.haha.very few withstand the test.very few indeed.hehhehheh.

3 places i go on a daily basis:
my bedroom.the toilet.the kitchen?haha.i sit there and stone sometimes.

3 fav fruits:
oooh i love fruits.ok now i hafta choose.hmm.apples.mangoes and lychees.

3 names i go by: yen.suet.and yeni.hahaha.sounds dumb.ah,whatever.

3 of my favorite food: oheya!the 50cent wheatmeal bbq crackers thingie.the 30cent creampuff at that ulu cake shop beside silvercross.(haha.sound so cheapo).and greentea icecream from sushi teh!

3 things im wearing now:
fbts,tshirt and my glasses.

who is in the house with me?
joey yewi mummy daddy and aunty bebe.

who am i thinking of now?
my new bf called "amath logarithm and exponential equations".

who did i last talk to on the phone?
erm.nads.?yea.nads.haha.

who did i sit with during 5th period in class?
5th period?huh.whats 5th period,recess?hahaha.

who was the last person i uttered "i love you" to?
lini.haha.i was jus emailin her before this test thingie.

who gets on my nerves in school?
i swear i have developed violent tendencies towards her.piss me off,fine.move on to my frens and family,ha!BURN IN HELL woman.heh.pardon me.and thou shant be as big a bitch as you as to reveal your identity nor bitch abt you in my blog.call it decency to respect people you once treasured.

where is my phone?
right next to me, where it belongs.

where do i sleep?
in a bed, my bed. with my silk duvet i cant do without. and lotsa stuff toys(yewi's) which i find hugely annoying(dun give me stuff toys).oh,and my bolster which usually ends up on the floor when i get up (and i wonder why..haha)

where is the place i last took a ride to?
home?

what was the last thing i ate?
ate would be the cold noodles i stole a few bites from my dad.and drank would be the hot chocolate with marshmellow bits that my dad so lovingly made for me when he saw me at my bio.haha.damn,no wonder im fat.haha.

what colour shirt am i wearing now?
white.

what is the closest thing to me that is blue?
haha. bluuuee?hmm..my amath tys.ay,or is it grey?ahh blue blue.pale-ish blue.cos i say so.i tink.
haha.

what do i like most about school?
haha.talkin(bitching/laughin/making noise?) with anna,wen,grace,shan,steph and 3M really.erm,catchin up with nads and jeann.oh,and i know i sound lik a geek,but bio lessons.seriously.and not jus becos i dissected a heart ok!

what is my fav colour?
white.brown(haha.jeann!).green.

what do i wear more often jeans or shorts?
shorts?i wear fbts at home.and i wear jeans AND short when i go out.so,shorts.

haha.what was the last movie i watched?
lakehouse.(disappointment!and it was EONS ago.i know i know.i needa life!after exams.i SWEAR).and i wanna watch "john tucker must die"!haha.

when did i start school?
when i was 5,K1.so 1996.

when did i last go to the mall?
argh.i feel lik sucha GEEK.tink it was 31st aug with anna.haha.unless beautyworld..hahaha!i go there for TUITION anyway.

when did i last burn something?
erm.i cant even rmb the last time i COOKED.hmm.oh cookies.lik last year when we were baking for the mission fair when i was still in church.arnd last nov i tink.

haha.now im done.gonne sleep now.=)

yeni posted at 3:50 AM â¢ comment?

I DISSECTED A HEART WITH MY BARE HANDS!

haha.alright fine.a PIG's heart.but a heart nonetheless.it was pretty cool actually.pammy and i paired up and we started weaving our fingers through the ventricles and arteries and veins and whatnot.haha.i stuck the hose in and water squirted out from another opening.haha.hilarious.the initial tentativeness wore off after awhile and we started exploring and all.and ours was a healthy pig ok!hardly and blood clots nor fats.so we din have to perform liposuction lik most of the other groups did.haha.
and i really learnt alot from that bio prac.(thanks pig-o.)as in,the heart aint some foreign thing in my body that has 4chambers and all anymore.it isnt jus all text no more.feel some sort of..enlightenment.haha.corny,i know.

i received an unexpected gift today.really shldnt have opened it.now i've wasted one whole day being unproductive.

as i read,rediscovered,revisited and felt our memories,it was as though it opened a floodgate of emotions.lik a wave of some invisible force,overwhelming me.i wanted to bad to scream out "i'm not like that!not anymore!stop talking like this!".but i couldn't.it was as though a giant muffler was upon me,stifling me,putting immense pressure on me,cutting me off.
sometimes,mistakes once commited cannot be undone,cannot be forgotten.
im sorry.
i never knew.
i wish that one day,all this animosity could be buried.that maybe 10years down the road,we might be sitting in a chic coffee house without awkwardness nor embarrassment and jus catch up.i wish..
now that you're goin away,i feel a concoction of nostalgia and relief.it pains me to know how much it hurt for you before.it pains me to realise how well you knew me.it pains me to remember how wrong,how selfish,how immature i was.im sorry.
all the best in your future endeavours.you're a smart person.i know you are.i have faith in you.=)

yeni posted at 1:36 AM â¢ comment?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

ahhh.
i know im not supp to be updating now.BUT.
aiya..
im feelin stressed up!
im in sch right now.lunch break.and then there's chem later on.
hmm.today was an o k a y day.quite happy with my chem and bio results.
13.5/15 for bio
9/10 for chem.
ha!be proud of me lini!
but as i sat down and attempted my emath paper,i felt so..lost.
the questions were so unlike those i did in tests.and i cant remember formulas,cant figure out sums,sometimes i cant even understand the darn question.
emath has always been my strongest sub.along with bio.i've nv scored below an A1 for emath.but its lik,i feel so clueless,helpless and stoooopid as i tried the sums.then i had this panic pre-examination stress attack.lik omgomgomg.that kinda thing.and the class was beyond annoyingly noisy.it was virtually impossible to concentrate.lik as i look as the numbers,i kinda start stoning and then the noise just keeps buzzing in my ear,and its becomes a sort of clattering and finally some sort of overwhelming banging.
absolutely unbearable.
i think sth abt 3M is that we're unable to keep silent for even one miserable sodding minute.it has its pros and cons i guess.but,owell.

so anyway.i think im jus being nonsensical.all the exam pressure and all.its lik when i compare my results with people,no,genuises, frm the other classes,i feel so inadequate.
i've been cramming since a week before the sept hols,but it still feels lik time is against me!feel sorta jaded from all the numbers and words and formulas.even the satisfaction of solving a sum doesnt make up for my frustration and exasperation of the process anymore.
think those who've crammed before would understand and sympathise.ha..

but alright yeni.
no more wallowing in selfpity and stress!
its less than a month to the end of EOYs.
we can do it!=)
yes we can!=)

argh.sounds so sickeningly optimistic.then again.its supp to be good.but im lik wavering between.ah NVM.

time for chem.

yeni posted at 2:21 PM â¢ comment?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

damn you timo.now im gonna take forever!owell.but i lik doin these kinda things.but now im gonne feel guilty cos im supp to be doin ss notes!AHH.K K K K.FOR A W H I L E.

1.Single,taken or crushing?
single. =)

2.Are u happy with ur life ?
you're askin me when my exams are in like 2weeks time you dumbass.but after the exams, yea.i'd be jumping for joy man.ok but now,im pretty cool.haha.lik.i could be better,but who cant right.so,on a scale of ten,im 5.

3.When you meet the right person, would u fall in love with him fast?
hmm.if he's my husband-to-be or sth,then i wanna fall in love with him SLOWLY.savour it.we hafta love each other for the next 50years you know.slow and steady.=)

4.Have u ever had ur heart broken?
selfesteem crushed?yea.heartbroken?nah.not really.more thick-skinned than that.haha.

5.Do u believe that there are certain circumstances when cheating is acceptable?
never.lying also cannot.

6.Would u ever take back someone who cheated on u?
boyfriend, never.no u-turns darling.husband,maybe la.depends on how sorry he is.

7.Have u talked about marriage with another before?
yes.

8.Do u want children?
YES!if i dun get married,i wanna adopt ok!

9.How many?
2 or 3.1 too lonely,poor child lei.

10.Would u consider adoption?
if there's sth wrong with me or my husband, or if i dun get married,YES.

11.If somebody likes u now, wad do u think is the best way for him to let u know of his feelings?
well.i dun lik guys to wait till eternity to tell me.wimpy wimpy.
but i also don't lik platonic frenships to lik.poof,its gone,and disappoear becos of an infatuation and injured ego.
so sometimes,id rather not know.
BUT,if i like the guy(and he knows and isn't imagining it),now Thats a different story.i like DRAMA,ROMANCE and all.so,go all the way when telling me.you must make me feel your sincerity and EFFORT!

12. do u enjoy getting into relationships?
not really.unless i feel that he is worthy of my commitment.relationship's a big word you know.

13.Be honest-what is the furthest u and ur ex did?
hmm.hmmmm.pulau ubin!hahaha.

14.Do you believe in love at 1st sight?
nope.LUST at first sight is more appropriate.love isn't all abt looks and chemistry.where's the communication,the trust,the support??heh.

15.Do you believe that you can change someone?
yep.but not much.

16.Are you romantic?
guilty as charged.=) i am a romantic, true blue romantic.traditionally,annoying romantiic.ok,you gete the point.

17.If you could get married anywhere, where would it be?
amywhere?hmm.somewhere with alot of sunflowers.or saga seeds.or somewhere grand and..OHOHOH!the one and only,MOULIN ROUGE.i mean.you know,not the place full of women,but rather for my weddin to be as WOAH as that.

18.Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
depends on who im fighting with right?heh.

19.Have you ever wished you could have had someone but you messed it up?
who hasnt.haha.darn,i sound so horrendously unbearably heartbroken or sth.
but im NOT.hahah.

20.Do you have feelings for someone right now?
nope.but i do think this guy from _ _ _ _ _ _ _ is HOT.

21.Have you ever broken a heart?
erm.guess so.

22.If one day your best friend fell in love with the guy whom you are deeply in love with, what would you do?
i'd feel super betrayed and pissed.(being honest ok.dun tsktsk me).BUT,i'd still calm down,have a good talkk with her.we'll probably get the guy to decide.
ah.lucky all my female darlings have super different tastes from me.

23.Are you missing someone now?
well.alot of people.i miss a few people whose relationships have been screwed up.but,lets not go into that.
to name one person i miss,i miss LINI omg,lik to the brink of insanity!

Now, you have to ask 3 of your friends to do this survey in their blogs.Write down their names in the list below.Tag them in their blog to let them know.And DON'T STOP THIS GOING AROUND SURVEYS.it occupies people.get started!
1.Nat the dramamama!
2.WEN the temporary mugger!
3.ms stephanie wong.

heh.sorry darlings.

anyway.i feel quite contented now.came back from a short trip to melacca.heh.i know i know,dont start shakin your heads la.ok but anyway,lemme update you people on what i've bought since..the beginnin of the sept hols ok?get jealous girls!(lini,chech these out!hahahaha!)
1.my beautiful bronze clutch
2.my DRESS.
3.my black pumps.
4.my black flats with gold lining
5.my brown tee that says :it's you,not me"
6.my cap
7.my LEVI'S dark skinny jeans(so tempted to type "jeann".haha)
8.my black belt with the starry cut thing.aiya,hard to describe
9.3 necklaces
10.5 pairs of earrings
11.makeup restock!(eyeshadow,eyeliner,foundation,mascara and brush set)
12.my new shades from vincci!

ahh.so satisfied.hahaha.=)
THANKS MUM AND DAD!
had a great time in melacca.tho mama and dad had a HARD TIME findin the damn hotel.its called melaka house.beside some wellknown hotel called "baba house",oh shanya.haha.so my parennts kept bickerin on the way there cos it was dark and they were ALL oneway roads.so if you miss a turn,you have to make one whole big loop all over again.and my dad was extremely temperamental.so bad that my mum went"whats your problem??"haha.quite cute.
ohohoh!and the meesua and ice kacang there is TO DIE FOR.really.im not an icekacang person,but really.if you go to melecca and miss the icekacang,you are a Loser wiht a capital L.haha.ok fine.lame i know.see,overstudyin does this to you.

so anyway.today was a pretty lax day in sch.except for the bug part.OMG.it was traumatizing ok.i lifted my labcoat and lik 5 bugs dropped out.i was lik "sicksicksick!".ahhh.i still get the goosebumps now.its one of those huge fat wasp-like roach-like creatures with those brown translucent wings.SICK.if i had to choose three things i am most afraid of(not scenarios but things):
1.the dark
2.bugs.(dragonflies for some reason.)
3.rats

yea.so.argh.is till remember when there was a church camo where the stupid stupid boys started pkucking off the wings of the dragonflies and throwing its bodies inot my room jus for the heck of it.ARGH.yuk.

ok so,thats abt it.im really have to get down to studyin now.shite.real long post.but good la.it'l be some time before i post again.the finals are excruciating near.a part of me wants it to come lik NOW,yet another niggling part of me wants it go away till dunno when.arghh.dont listen to me.hahaha.

meanwhile, to all you gals from mg,or sec sch for that matter,or actually.all you people with the exams creepin next to you.you shld be ashamed of yourselves,what you doin online reading my blog for.
TSKTSK.how unproductive.

haha.k k k.study hard darlings.we're all in this shite together,if that makes you feel better selfish shites.haha.takecare and look forward to my next hopefully exuberant and free-from-exam-stress post,(if i dont slack off that is).haha.for now,
love much!=)

yeni posted at 10:51 PM â¢ comment?

Friday, September 15, 2006

"there is no such thing as i don't know.BUT, there is always 'i can try.'"

as said by my coolio teacher danny jow.

it may sound corny to some of you, it may be some sorta inspiration to another.to each to decide their own.=)

yeni posted at 9:14 PM â¢ comment?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

ten times it's ok to be a bitch:

1. when the dress/shoes/bag you had been lusting over but didnt get, because your sister/bestfriend said looked blah on you, is now on her.
2. when your sister wears your spanking new stilettos that hasnt even adorned YOUR own two feet AND broke the heel.
3. when your boyfriend tells you he is mugging for a test and cancels a date.but you find him at the streetsoccer court having "a game or two".
4. when your guy tells you to "lose a few" when he himself has to lose more than "a few".
5. when your kid sister/brother glues or cuts your hair while you were asleep.
6. when you slip your feet into your pumps and find them filled up with colgate.
7. when anybody calls your sisters/mum/bestfriend a bitch for no reason.
9. when anybody calls your loved ones bitches even WITH a reason.
10. when your guy forgets a date.or overslept.ok,forgetting is worse.much worse.much MUCH worse.

haha.on a lighter note.
school's been pretty nice.o ka y at least.KINDA-ish,at least it wasnt as bad as i had expected.haha.jus had oral though.it was,horrible.
and please dont ask why.

yeni posted at 5:36 PM â¢ comment?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

im finally done with my notes for respiration.
ahh.i know im pretty slow.but all of a sudden, i just realised that sch starts tmr.=( starting to feel alil bummed.was jus gettin used to my free and easy muggin life,gettin up at 9plus to study lifestyle kinda.and now i hafta get up at 6 instead. gotta drag myself outta bed and struggle with amath and chem lessons. gotta force myself to keep my eyes open and..you know,the works.
this term,or at least the first few weeks of it,it's gonna be hell.i know it is.what with the exams and memorising and catching up and shite.AHHH.
i've been studying throughout the holidays already,yet i feel that im not gonna have enough time.TIME,TIME is against me.
sometimes i feel so drained.so tired of studying.so helpless.esp when i've gotten the same question wrong for lik,the ELEVENTH time.ahh.that feeling really,makes you feel lik shit.its lik you try so damn hard,but you keep failing.its lik when you're climbing steps and you nv ever reach the end.you glance up and there's still many many many levels to go.your legs are killing you,you're losing your breath,but you still hafta keep going.
or when you try so hard to salvage something.try so hard to salvage a relationship.with a friend.but she doesn't give a damn.you keep thinkin back abt the good times and try to tink positive.keep trying to convince yourself that she loves you,annd that she doesnt mean it.you try to help her,but she jus gives you hell.nasty business.
or when you're trying to make amends for sth wrong you've done.but that person nv ever seems to forgive you.he jus seems adamant on making you wait on and on,making you worried,making you tink he hates you.
or when you miss someone miles and miles away.you jus wished she were here with you jus lik old times.
why do we always seem to want the things we can never have?
tskkk.

hah.i think im jus being an emo thang.must be all the bio and lit.driving me insane.tsk.LADY MACBETH syndrome.haha.

"Foolish Games"
You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway,
with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

[Pre-Chorus 1]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

[Chorus]
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring,
things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line,
I must've gone
Off track with you.

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Well, excuse me,
guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

[Chorus]
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

yeni posted at 10:28 PM â¢ comment?

the movie "i am sam" was on channel 5 just now.and it is the second time i've watched it.it is a very,very touching,very heartwarming film.
it is about this guy called Sam.he has the mental capabilities of abt a 7-year-old.he got a woman pregnant,who ran off once she gave birth to a girl whom he later named Lucy.as she grew older,some court issues arised of whether Sam was capable of raising Lucy.it's rather tear-jerking as well and thought-provoking and i'd recommend everybody with some sort of compassion and sensitivity to watch it.
i was just thinking,is it possible for Sam to raise Lucy?if i were a lawyer,which side would i be fighting on?and very very sad to say,i wouldn't be on Sam's side.It sounds cold-hearted and unfeeling,yes.but really,is love enough to conquer all?in my opinion,no it isn't.i think it's very naive to believe that he can raise Lucy.his child-like innocence may be endearing,but quoting Dick Lee in Sg Idol,"being cutey cutey cute ain't gonna make Jasmine win the competition".for some of us,there has been,or will come,a time when parents become horribly annoying.well,imagine your parents minus 40years-old.imagine your parents not knowing what handphone bills are,not knowing how to pay the utility bills,imagine your parents not knowing what a Honours degree means.he wouldn't be a good enough parent.yes he's trying,trying REAL HARD,but lets face it,it wouldn't be enough,would nv be enough.trying asking your younger brother in Primary One to raise a kid.he'll prbably end up quarrelling with his kid or sth.or lets compare it to teenage pregnancies.do you encourage teenage pregnancies?why?because the teen simply isn't capable of raising a kid PROPERLY,no matter how much he or she love their kid.right?im jus saying that it is unfair to Lucy that she has,im gonna use the word,endure all those crap.she is a smart gal,and if brought up in a normal,healthy family,she would at least have a chance of a better decent future.
why else do you think the movie ended when she was still a girl?
i've nothin against this movie really.its a good film.but,i dunno.though i was a little shocked by the ending i guess.yea.that's it.

so anyway.was talking to my smartass big sister currently studying in Melb University just now.and you sounded soooo down babes.so anyway.here are some nonsense shite jokes to make you laugh.so you can show off your artificially straight expensive metal mouth teeth.hahaha.oh,and please shield your eyes if you're an inncent person.doubt you'd like it.hehheh.

Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Grandma
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

Grandpa.

Raggedy Ann
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie to her.

ooh.i liked the last one.hehheh.so anyway lini.i jus found these jokes quite cool.KINDA-ish.haha.so anyway,hop you laughed.I BET YA DID!haha.but you know,these jokes only make you laugh temporarily,but im here to make you laugh permanently.and imm a funny person ok!haha.*right zhihan?ahem.haha.yep.so.i love you sister.you rock my socks.=) haha.

you used to make me laugh too.you used to make me feel loved,feel appreciated,feel happy.you used to be something i needed to keep me going.we were so close and you were my homie,my favourite.but now,i can't even talk to you anymore.we can't even carry out a decent conversation without quarrelling.and im jus so so sick and tired of it.sometimes,i jus wished i could yell at you,kick you,punch you and whatever you for being an ass,but i can't.i miss those days when we talked on the phone through the night,when i told you EVERYTHING.and when you understood everything.i miss the days when we delighted in simple pleasures like trying to catch chocolate bits in our mouths at the park or just talking at the playground till my dad calls me and i get all flustered.i miss knowing that you have my back even when im wrong.and i miss hearing you speak your crap and debating me till eternity over stupid things and then laughing about it.i miss being fawned over by you and being treated the way i love to be treated without hinting because you know me inside out.and i miss making you happy whenever i can and cos seeing a smile light up your cynical face is so rare.i miss seeing you grin.i even miss hearing you remind me whenever im behaving like a bitch.i miss every single one of these moments.and i miss the feeling i had of you when i wrote the essay abt you.
i don't know what to expect anymore.i don't know how to be around you anymore.i don't know what you want,what you wannt me to say or do.and im sick of this twisted,tiring guessing game.
im not gonna wait for the snow.im not gonna keep the melted snow.im done with chasing after snow and lookin lik a fool trying to shovel it when its melting.im sick of loving snow so much.sick of shovelling so hard and getting bummed out each and every time.there was one winter when i had snow in my hands,but it din feel so good.and i don't wanna be disappointed anymore.im not gonna wait for snow,nor give in to its whims and fancies.
if you want me to shovel snow and be happy again,you can jolly well snow now cause im not waiting.you know im not one to do so anyway.im tired of waiting for snow to come.snow can come look for me when snow is ready.
winter is not my favourite season anyway.and snow every winter is different,it'll nv ever be completely the same.never.

yeni posted at 12:57 AM â¢ comment?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

"i think you're hot.lets have sex."
"you're a raving mad desperate lunatic.leave me alone!"
Her hand hovered above the 'block' button, her heart still beating at an abnormally quick rate. But he replied before she could.
"don't worry sweetheart. i'll find you. i'll find you and rape you. don't you worry."
with that psychotic remark, he signed off.
Rape.
Why was it that that darn word wouldn't stop disassociating itself with her? Why was it that that darn word couldn't leave her alone? It stared back at her from the computer screen, taunting her, mocking her, in all the glory of its red font. It seemed to dance a strange dance of its own, a victory dance. It was so glaring, as glaring as the Sun itself to the naked eye. Finally, she managed to pry her eyes away from that cursed word that seemed to have an innate ability to stir fear in her almost automatically.
She felt her breath catch in her throat, along with a frightening sensation at the pit of her stomach. Her hands grew cold and clammy to the touch, and goosepimples started forming on her arms and legs. Even in the safety and comfort of her own home, she felt so dangerously exposed. She felt so unsafe, so insecure, so unsure, a fear that gripped her heart in a way she had once experienced before. Immediately, she reprimanded herself for being paranoid. But it was too late. A flash of that incident zipped past her mind, disappearing as quick as it came.Just as a ghost would hover past the window, terrorising its victims. The speed of that flash was merciful yet cruel at the same time. Merciful as it spared her from all the intricate details of his immoral deed; yet cruel,fast as it was, it was as though a white searing burn in her memory, branding itself in her mind, evoking all the raw emotions and hurt that was so painful and difficult to bear. She tried to resist, as she had for so long. But the memories, the insults, she couldn't let go nor forget. It stayed with her, as like a scar too unsightly for her to seek treatment. That incident had held her captive so for long, and she doubted it was ever setting her free. Slowly but surely, she felt herself cave in. It was as though a giant vaccuum machine was sucking her, but she was holding on for dear life, resisting. Yet little by little, she felt herself crumble under the sheer pressure. Drop by drop, bit by bit, she seeped into the vaccuum. That blasted vaccuum machine was her memory of that terrible incident that she had tucked deep deep down, behind at the back of her memory.But now, she was reliving every bit of it, allowing herself to get absorbed into that horrifying process.

"Watching TV ah?" uncle Will had asked unecessarily, punctuating his question with a sharp intake of breath.
She had been slouching lifelessly on and couch, and she nodded listlessly. She had been eleven years of age at that time, young and ignorant. She had been ignorant and daft enough not to sport a brassiere when a man came to visit when she was home alone. She had been a little on the pudgy side at that time, somewhat leading to increased growth around to bust region at such a young age. Granted she hadn't had a bra on, she didn't deserve what followed after. She totally wasn't prepared for that lecherous look aimed towards her from him. She felt as though those were daggers, piercing through her, one by one, each one sending a ripple of fear down her spine.
But he was her uncle, he was her mother's own younger brother. He was the uncle that watched her grow up. He was the uncle that bought her icecream every time she went for a sleepover at his place to play with his son. He was the uncle that defended her when her own mother scolded her in his presence no matter what. He was the uncle that teased her and joked with her endlessly. He was her favourite uncle, and she loved him. Yet the man who just shot her a look of unadulterated lust, he wasn't her uncle. She was terrified of him. But she told herself that she was being paranoid, over-sensitive. "Who could possibly want anything to do with a fat girl like me?" she thought to herself. She repeated it in her head over and over again, just like a chant, as means for calming herself down. She remained rooted to her seat,, her eyes never wavering from the television screen.
Every step he took thereafter towards her made her tense up more and more, sedning a wave of intense electricity through every standing hair on her back. He gently placed his paws upon her shoulders, sending an involuntarily shiver down her spine.
"Aiyo, why so tense Tara? Let me give you a shoulder rub ok? Must be the terrible education system, wearing my darling niece out. Now you just relax ok? Poor darling." he cooed, leaving a false note of cheerful hanging in the air, like an odour that refused to dissipate. In her head, she chanted over and over again that she was being stupid, and she did nothing. She ignored that sickening feeling in her gut, ignored that insane streak of fear that made her heart beat double-time, ignored all warning from her heart. She kept silent, obedient.
But the massage went wrong, horrifyingly wrong.
His filthy paws inched lower and lower, every movement making her blood freeze up more. His hands caressed her bosom, unprotected by any cloth whatsoever. His hands fondled and stroked her in a manner so obscene and vile, unimaginable. Yet she felt stuck, claustrophobic, so utterly helpless. His breath now came in short burst, laced with curiosity and anticipation. But she still remained rooted to her seat, unable to protect herself. She couldn't move her body. It was as if she was suddenly trapped in an alternate world, in a world that made her lose control over her body, in a world that crippled her with fear, a world that bound and paralysed her with her own insecurities. She wanted to scream and run away, but they got lost and muffled somewhere deep within her. At that point of time, she had never felt more powerless, more forsaken before.
Finally, after what seemed like infinity, it was as though he suddenly snapped out of his trance. He let out a sort of strangled gasp and quickly retracted his hands from underneath He lumbered out of her room and ran into the toilet. In that five minutes or so that he was away from her sight, she had never felt such an consuming mixture of feelings before. She felt so violated, so stricken, so horrified, so terrorised, yet at the same time, a sort of relief that it was over. She felt so scared, so confused. She was still frozen in her seat when he returnend to the door of her bedroom, in his hand holding the purpose of his coming.
"Tara, please pass all these documents to your mum ok? They are important."
She was still staring at the TV screen, that lifeless black box that remained switched on throughout the whole course of his crime. He strutted over, not at all apprehensive, and plopped himself down beside her.
"Darling, let what happened toda be a secret between us ok? cannot tell anybody, especially not Mummy ok? Be a good girl now. Now fetch me a glass of water and I have to rush. Go now."
She staggered out of the room, almost losing her balance. She was completely speechless by what he said, but all she wanted now was for him to get away from her. She ran to the kitchen and poured him a glass of water. He downed it in gulps and kept his word. After a prompt pat on the head, he left, bringing away with him the bond they ever shared with each other. She leaned against the door, and felt her knees finally buckling beneath her. She stared stonily before her, tears pooling in her eyes. And she cried, cried for her her own incapibilities at defending herself, and cried at her own stupidity, and cried because she had never felt so abandoned and vulnerable in her life.
The next time she saw her uncle, he acted as though nothing had happened at all. But she could never. He wasn't uncle to her anymore. He was a fiflthy creature, completelyun beknownst to her. Mother had chided her several times about her rude attitude to uncle, but she would only turn away. She could only turn away.
Even till now, she couldn't bring herself to narrate that day's happenings to her own Mum. She knew how much her mother loved her brother. And she simply couldn't pluck up the courage to tell her. She couldn't bear the thought of her Mother disbelieving her, or defending her brother. She had been betrayed by a lovoed one already, she couldn't face it if she knew her Mother loved her less than her brother. She simply couldn't.
So that incident has been kept between her and her uncle, as her uncle liked it to be. And the memory haunts her, even up till this day.

Now, staring at the computer screen, it was happening again. This online stranger had known her name, her age, her school, her friends' names, and details about her that could only be known to anybody after careful observation. Once again, she felt a familiar feeling of fear and panic wrench her heart. She screamed.
__________________________________________________________________

very sad huh? jus some random article i extracted from a magazine.the intensity of this article really lik, drew me to it. lik, i really really pity gals lik these. and she is jus one of them.

ladies.please.if anything lik this ever happened/happens to you,please please speak up.you have every right in the world.dun be lik Tara and gong-gong sit there.alright?and be smart.keep yourself safe!dun ever do anything against your own will,its your own body,take charge of it.even if he's your boyfren, but you feel lik yo aren't ready,dun rush it.your virinity is something to be protected,to be respected. ok? even in this screwed up time and age, your virginity isn't sth outdated or whatever the world leads you to believe.it's something that once lost can nv be retrieved ever again.it can be likened to death.and im not being a fuddyduddy.i jus hope that you gals can wake up and know what belongs to you,know your rights.
ure,if you've got it,flaunt it.but know when to flaunt,when not to.know when to protect,know HOW to protect yourself.

guys.erm.hmm.i have no comments.almost.
hehheh.aiya.i trust that you guys know right from wrong.
don't push your gals if she's not ready.it will be sth that you BOTH wouls regret.alright?protect the gals around you as like your sisters.you never know sometimes.

BE A MAN.DO THE RIGHT THING!

ok fine.old joke.
but really.sometimes when guys take up the job of protectin the gals,esp lik my brother.or lik the guys during mission trip, when they protect the gals.i jus feel that its pretty heartwarming.lik seeing the guys lik make sure the gals are safe,make sure they've got the food first,make sure they're ok.yea.that kinda thing.very sweet.even boys younger than me who feel lik they can protect me.(heh.samuel tang!)very cute.=)

anyway.thats all for now.damn long post huh.haha.
toodles dearies.

yeni posted at 12:39 PM â¢ comment?

sometimes,you wish the whole world would just go away.
sometimes you wish you could turn back time.sometimes you wish you could make time go faster so you can forward the rought patches.but sometimes you wish time would stand still during the beautiful periods.

time is supp to heals all wounds.yet,time makes the heart grow fonder.

is everything meant to contradict?

yea,im shovelling darling.im shovelling.and im so tired.the snow is melting so quick.i cant hold the snow like i used to anymore.its slipping away slowly but surely from my grasp. and before i can even say anything,its gone.

sweetheart, the snow this winter ain't the same snow as it was last winter,baby.
and i miss the snow from last winter.but its never coming back.

yeni posted at 12:38 AM â¢ comment?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Compulsive Shopper Checklist
Do you “take off for the stores” when you’ve experienced a setback or a disappointment, or when you feel angry or scared?
erm.when i feel RICH.or when i feel lik i have NOT ENOUGH STUFFFF.or when i feel that i need something.haha.not setback or disappointment really.maybe i window-shop sometimes to take my mind off certain things.then again,window-shopping is pppaaaiiinnnfffuuullll.haha.

When you shop, do you feel a rush of euphoria mixed with feelings of anxiety?
i feel Satisfaction with a capital Sssss baby.ok,maybe alil guilt SOMETIMES.

Do you feel you’re performing a dangerous, reckless or forbidden act when you shop?
its not shoplifting dear.neither is it bungee jumping.

When you return home after shopping, do you feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed or confused?
guilt check.ashamed HUH.embarassed WHYYY.and confused??haha.whyyy.maybe sometimes i do feel guilty due to the amounts of chas i've spent.ohoh.and the HEARTACHE.lik,my moneyyyyy...

Are many of your purchases seldom or never worn or used?
NEVER.i mean.it's bought for a reason dear.ok maybe SOME things i bought when i was in sec1 or sth.but now,nawwww.i LOVE MA STUFF.if you got em,flaunt em baby.haha.

Do you think about money excessively – how much you have, how much you owe, how much you wish you had – and then go out and shop again?
well.i DO think about money.i DO wish i had more money.but then again,who doesn't right?but ofcos i don't go out and shop again.thats insane.who'd go out and shop when they feel poor.

ok.im not a compulsive shopper.=) just checking.cos i was just telling zhihan how happy i am cos i jus had shopping day and bought all the things i wanted.or rather,the thing i wanted.haha.and he went
"more lik put out of agony or sth you obssessive shopper" and that kinda thing.haha.so there,this proves that im NORMAL.haha.=)

but anyway.you know sth?
shopping is good for the soul man.its GOOD.makes you feel so accomplished.and you learn how to "negotiate".and you learn how to be observant and only settle for the BEST.and you walk lik EVERYWHERE,so its a fantastic workout.esp if you're in heels.look forward to perfectly well-sculpted calves ladies. AND you know what?its for a noble cause as well.you're contributing to society and making Singapore a better place becos shopping is good for the economy!
so ladies darlings and all fellow shopaholics out there,feel free to shop till you DROP!=) cos this time,you have a perfectly healthy,logical-sounding reason.=)

yeni posted at 12:35 AM â¢ comment?

Monday, September 04, 2006

yewi just called me the craziest woman on earth.
she's sittin beside me now and snorting,btw its her version of giggling.*cue eye-roll

too lazy to blog.
gnite world.=)

oohoohooh!
goin shoppin tmr.=)
ooh yeah ooh yeah.

yeni posted at 1:44 AM â¢ comment?

Sunday, September 03, 2006

i've had one helluva shitey day!
ok,more boring,insipid,lifeless,drab,BLAH and arithmetic-bountiful day.(translation:been doin math all day).haha.probably that's why.

ok done.i've got it off my chest.enough.shan't start boring you with all the elaborate intricate details of today,neither shall i attempt to perfect my yammering capabilities,in which i seem to have a natural aptitude for.

so anyway.here're some COOLio words i BET you haven't even heard of!

poppycock
simply means nonsense.something like gobbledygook.
"don't give me that poppycock!"
adjective:poppycock-ish.

pulchritudinous
simply means being very appealing on the outside.
"pulchritudinous movie stars"

wisenheimer
the annoying smartass or smart aleck.
"who is that conceited wisenheimer?"

cool huh?=)

yeni posted at 12:29 AM â¢ comment?